I've been working on a thing here and there, but my cousin (who's been sick for years but deathly ill since December) passed away a week ago and I'm grieving pretty bad.
It's so surreal. He was 37 and closest to me in age but we didn't see each other much after we grew up because he lived in Oregon and I live in San Diego. He was a real sweetheart. I got the news in the morning and didn't process it until the afternoon the day after. Then I cried a lot. Then I stopped crying for a few days. Then I started crying again, on and on.
It's been a week and I still keep thinking I'm done crying, but I'm not. Sometimes I'll be like, "at least he's in a better place.
" and other times it's like, "I'm down a cousin. I loved him. I want him back. Why isn't he back? I want to give him a hug. I can't hug him anymore."
I'm not used to grieving. I've only lost one close relative and that was my Grandfather 15 years ago. I don't know or remember how it works and keep thinking I'm past the depression part, but it just keeps coming back. I'll be in denial for a few days and BOOM, crying again.
Needless to say, it's thrown off my art groove. It's not that I'm sad, because I've tapped into sadness to do artwork—it's that I'm sad because my world isn't the same as it was before January. I am currently living in a world where my cousin is dead and I'm not used to it. Again, it's surreal, like everything's changed even though hardly anything has.
Felt like sharing, sorry. I know I don't post here much, but I guess I'm trying to share my feelings or something to someone who'll listen. Thanks for reading, really. I guess I get to rebuild my world one step at a time and art isn't the top priority.