LuLuLunaBuna

...because I still live.

I just never go on here. I don't draw much. It takes too damn long. :V And I'm hopping into another fandom, so I'm sure you guys are THRILLED about that judging by how well my old NCIS artwork went over.

I have......... a lot of notes. A LOT. It is intimidating. I think I'm going to smile and wave at them and hide from them lest they have something scary or mean in them.

Because that's how my anxiety works.

I'm cleaning out my account of artwork I did for my abusive ex. I have this thing about not deleting artwork for posterity, but I have to get rid of his shit because he doesn't deserve the attention.

But I'ma give you guys a chance to backup the artwork if you really want to because I know I wish I'd had a chance to backup some of my favorite artists' work before they took it down.

EDIT: Done.

 

He never appreciated anything I did for him and would leave the pages to get crumpled under textbooks. The only thing that was paid any respect was the Stepherz/Mikorz panther/sword gift pic because his mom really liked it and had it framed for him. His mom was cool. So was his dad. Cutting them out of my life was the hardest part of breaking free.

For the full story of what I went through, here's a journal I poured my heart into that helped me finally come to terms with what I went through. It is NSFW.

Emo Trauma Memory DumpEDIT: Sorry if this wound up spamming you. I was having trouble with Journal checkboxes. Also, links to relevant info because I simply don't have the time to put in all the instances of him falling into these terms: Psychological Manipulation on Wikipedia.
Because this has been haunting me for years and I'm tired of it. My ex messed me up pretty bad, apparently. I was cuddling with my boyfriend last night and he brought up doing more touchy-feely things, which is all fine and dandy except anything more sexy-romantic than cuddling makes me stress and flash back to what I went through with M. I'll call him M.
Stop now if you don't want to read a novel or something. TMI later in the novel.
But it's like, it's just cuddling and more hugs. John clarified it with me that he doesn't want sexytimes if I don't want it. He's always been very respectful on that front. He's never pressured me or suggested it to me if I didn't i

There you go. Hope you're all doing well!

I'm still adjusting to the single life. I've moved in with my grandmother because her health is failing, so I help take care of her when I'm not working. I've been moved to the Copy & Print department of my store and I LOVE it there. It's got a steady pace, you get to help customers for longer than 2 minutes, which I appreciate, and PHOTOSHOP. So when I work closing shifts, I have paper and pencils I can work with to draw, and Photoshop Elements (EW) to color it with.

Uh... that's it. Work and grandmother. I'm not obsessing over anything at the moment, which is a relief, but also pretty boring. :[

There ya have it. I live!

Just checking in to let you guys know I'm alive and feeling much better. Things have largely gotten back to normal save for my artistic inspiration. That's dead.

I got into a collision on the freeway early in February. I'm fine, but the lady that hit me scraped my car kinda bad. Her insurance covered my copay, so that's sweet. We're still not sure if she'll cover the rental car I had to get while they finished repairing it (the final cost was around $3.6k in repairs and $600 for the rental). Besides the inconvenience of the car rental, I already had a couple of problems with my car, namely a scrape on the other side of the bumper and a faulty tire pressure sensor. The repairs fixed both of those problems, so my engine light isn't on anymore, lol. That worked out pretty sweet.

I have 600 notifications and 2 notes I haven't read, so don't take anything I haven't responded to personally.

Hope you're all doing well and thank you for the well wishes.

In other news, I just binged Stranger Things (both seasons) and adore it. You may have to listen to me gush sometime. So good...

(Comment if you like it so I can gush with you.)

I've been working on a thing here and there, but my cousin (who's been sick for years but deathly ill since December) passed away a week ago and I'm grieving pretty bad.

It's so surreal. He was 37 and closest to me in age but we didn't see each other much after we grew up because he lived in Oregon and I live in San Diego. He was a real sweetheart. I got the news in the morning and didn't process it until the afternoon the day after. Then I cried a lot. Then I stopped crying for a few days. Then I started crying again, on and on.

It's been a week and I still keep thinking I'm done crying, but I'm not. Sometimes I'll be like, "at least he's in a better place. " and other times it's like, "I'm down a cousin. I loved him. I want him back. Why isn't he back? I want to give him a hug. I can't hug him anymore."

I'm not used to grieving. I've only lost one close relative and that was my Grandfather 15 years ago. I don't know or remember how it works and keep thinking I'm past the depression part, but it just keeps coming back. I'll be in denial for a few days and BOOM, crying again.

Needless to say, it's thrown off my art groove. It's not that I'm sad, because I've tapped into sadness to do artwork—it's that I'm sad because my world isn't the same as it was before January. I am currently living in a world where my cousin is dead and I'm not used to it. Again, it's surreal, like everything's changed even though hardly anything has.

Felt like sharing, sorry. I know I don't post here much, but I guess I'm trying to share my feelings or something to someone who'll listen. Thanks for reading, really. I guess I get to rebuild my world one step at a time and art isn't the top priority.